Your flushed young cheeks, your ample figure, fill my body with summer's vigour.

News from last week.

My good friend Mr Anecdote is getting married. Well, that wasn't actually the news, he told me that last year when I told him I was coming to visit him in China (he lives in China can you believe it?) which kind of scuppered my plans to visit China. Now I have to go to Las Vegas where he's getting married. So anyway, I agreed I would go to the wedding instead.

Several weeks later I get an E-mail from him aboot what he'll be upto whilst he's in the US and as a footnote 'will you be my best man?' I mean it's a bit rude suddenly dropping this on me AND have any of you ever been best man? It's a stressful thing.

I have been best man twice (always the best man, never the groom), shit! What am I talking aboot....I have been best man three times!

1. Budget Boy - This was my first gig for a good friend from university (who has since disappeared to Edinburgh - we used to sit in the airport lounge and rate girls on a -10 to 10 scale). It was an honour to be chosen but it's impossible to relax until you've done your speech. Flowers didn't turn up, I had to chase around sorting that out and I had to be the Master of Ceremonies too (Not like MC Hammer of course, no one can touch that). Anyway I prepared a speech in the middle of the night, got gently drunk in preparation, I put in some good ad libs and it was all over SUCCESS!
NB I had the lovely Nat (See Muddled Stars link - I should learn how to link here but I can't be bothered) being my personal nurse throughout the day, taking my pulse, telling me everything was ok etc and she saved my life. I can highly recommend having a Nat next to you if you do a best man stint.
I'd met Nat the week before at the wedding rehearsal. I was a bit of a scallywag at the time and had turned up with 'The Flame Haired Temptress' rather than my girlfriend. I saw Nat and thought 'Mmmmmmm look at that tall sexy, brown eyed vision wearing a trouser skirt thing' I had to chat to her and I was smitten. Anyway! I turn up for the wedding with my girlfriend 'The Pretty Ballerina' leading Budget Boys new nephew (who thought I looked like David Beckham!!!! If only! he was very young) to walk up and ask me 'Chris, do you have two girlfriends?'. Hmmmm I'm straying off the point again. Right, yes, Nat was sitting next to me on the top table and you know what? We've been in love ever since. We sneakily arranged to meet up and the rest is history......

2. Little P - My right hand man at univesity, a callipygean vision looking like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Penfold. P is a lovely man and this was even more of an honour (it was literally a few weeks after the last one). This wedding had a twist. It was near Paisley and we had to wear kilts. Now again this was a stressful occasion with lots of alcohol requires BUT wearing a kilt makes you irresistible to women! I was propositioned on the dance floor by a lovely young lady (who I'd seen with boyfriend earlier) I said "Where is your boyfriend" to which she replied "He's gone to bed". Anyway, I behaved, THEN P's sister (who looks like the gorgeous girl behind the counter in Alan Partridge, came up and asked for a snog:



















There she is, what a babe. Anyway, this was a P's little sister. It was his wedding and his parents were there. Now I have a code of honour and much as I would have liked to I felt it was unfair as it might affect his day. So I gave a gentlemanly "No" (with reasons of course).

So I ended up getting off with Sazza very nice but not really my type. But hell by then I could barely focus.

3. Cazzy G - This was only last year. Another University friend, except from my third year because I needed a new set of friends to atone for the fact that all my other mates were revising and working hard. This man is great mandibled handsome swine. I used to slap his face and say "you" "handsome" "bastard" after each slap. He looks a bit like Johnny Depp. Anyway, this gig was well deserved because I set him up with Posh Bex (wife to be). I lived with Cazzy for 4 years in Finchley and then a wee while in Greenwich before he bought a pad.

We were lazing around the flat as usual and I said right man, I'm taking you a party tonight. He was "no no I can't be arsed" but I forced him (and by fate Posh Bex's best friend was doing the same thing) and within minutes of getting to my good friend Sandrine's party in Swiss Cottage they were together. (I ended up snogging some danish bloke's danish girlfriend in the garage, but that's a different story).

This wedding was a beautiful affair in Sussex. Now there was a big hitch..... Posh Bex is and events manager. SO I got a huge list of what I had to do! It was frightening. (A point to make here is that every time I have done this the bride has been shitting herself I will do something bad (Where did I get this reputation???)) I was there early lighting candles, moving tables, checking place names... It was hell. And then it started raining, putting out the candles! (which ran all the way from car park to entrance and in the garden!)

Well, I get through all that and my ushers arrive. You never seen a more feckless bunch. They were led by chief usher BNCC (Big nosed cornish...), who is another excellent friend but despite having a 1st in Biochemistry comes across as a complete sooner. Getting them to do anything was a mare.

The speech was fun (BNCC also did a powerpoint show mid-way through my speech which was top) except following Bride's father and groom some idiot woman (why is there always some fool at weddings who also wants to do a specch just because they're used to public speaking?) who is TV presenter decided to get up and do a speech too. This left me standing there waiting for a long time watching her get Posh Bex's ex boyfriends name wrong and embarrass lots of people, but mostly herself.

ACK it was all good fun. my favourite line was aboot when Cazzy G was young. He was an excellent rugby union player, in fact he once captained the Welsh captain from aboot two years ago (I think it was Yighyan Evans (that's what it sounds like anyway)).....well.....he had built up loads of trophies but then he fell ill with ME and was in bed for a long time (it effectively killed his rugby career). Anyway his brother (a lovely man) walks into the room, looks around at the trophy and back to Caz and says "You had a future once".

As usual I've lost where I was going with this. But the moral is 'Being a best man is good for meeting ladies' so make sure you're single.

Sunday morning! Time for bacon, eggs and tomato!