My mind's full of visions but there's room in my bed....

Right! I've done the washing up and load II (the revenge) of laundry is in't machine.

I decided to wash up cos my good friend Potty Mouth phoned up and I like to multi task (as I have said earlier). In fact:

Proof Men Can Multitask - 5

This afternoon I did the dishes whilst conversing at length on the phone. I did smash a glass, but that's not the point. I also ended up with a sore neck.

Anyhoo, old Pots used to work with me in Leadenhall Street in the department named after a character in Cheers. He's a posh sounding bloke who is actually a trained cellist but ended up in corporate hell. Since then he did a stint in the corporate monolith but moved on three times and now earns a fair chunk. Not bad for a lazy waster.

His favourite story of us, is me and him sat in a pub in the City. We're sitting in a pub opposite each other. (and I must say at this point that his moniker is because he is the master of being non-PC. To be fair, I dabble a bit but he is like at 1970's northen comic with added sewage). We've been chatting for a while and I looked him up and down and said "You know, I look at me and I look at you......and I am SO much better than you".

He still laughs aboot it today. Some people like my crueller humour. One day I'll discuss another good friend Mank........

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes! He's been a bit depressed recently so he gets a doctors appointment last week. He's sitting in the waiting room and he suddenly thinks 'Shit! What am I going to tell him? I haven't thought this through'. So he starts making up the story.

He goes in and it goes a bit like this:
Doctor: "So Mr Mouth, how can I help you?"
Potty Mouth: "I've been suffering from depression since November"
Doctor: "How does this manifest itself?"
Potty Mouth: [and this is where he starts making it up, really he's just been feeling a bit down] "Well......I have suicidal thoughts and I've been looking up suicide on the internet. Also I've been having obsessive thoughts about things like losing my hair"
Anyhoo, the doctor is looking a bit worried and refers him to a Psychiatrist (whom Pottster will not see as he realises he's overdone it)
Potty Mouth "I have a little lump on my leg too.........."

The man is a misguided genius. I gave him the old Trunks pep talk. he needs a woman really and therein lies the problem. I did remind him that the only time we went out looking for lasses we met two danish eskimos and that cheered him up.

All the time he was heavy breathing whilst talking to me. He assured me it was because he was on an excercise bike.

Your Bright Blue Eyes, Your Lovely Silver Skin

FLIP FLIP HOORAY!

ACK! What a weekend. Last week Thursday was my work christmas party. As is expected from a senior drinking partner of my esteemed corporation I was required to drink from 5.30 till 3.30 in the morning. I accomplished this with ease, however, my return home has only just come back to me and involved me singing along to a number of traditional turkish songs in the cab on the way home. Fortunately no karaoke was available during the night.

Also, fortunately they didn't play Whigfield.

Being a seasoned campaigner I knew to take the following day as holiday (booked a good few months ahead). Hence I had a whole Friday of doing nowt! Bliss. Except my head felt very strange....

Saturday got off to a bad start with the mighty blues getting a battering from the not so mighty Wanderers. A morale builder. Then I had the joy of a cocktail party at my house (not my idea) but left me in the kitchen from 7.30 til 4 making cocktails. I must admit the concoctions were becoming more radical the more I sampled. I did attempt one non-alcoholic cocktail only to be told said person didn't like coconut as well as pineapple. Answer was simple, add bacardi and pass on to someone else.

I only realised the next morning I'd been using Drambuie instead of Grand Marnier in my B52s. The bottles looked too similar in my addled state!

Me and my good friend Stevo aka Angry Drunk managed to keep everyone in cocktails all night AND break two blenders. I had a very sticky Mojito flavoured floor the next day. But no complaints from the neighbours (mind you i did invite most of them).

I'm sure I should have more entertaining stories to tell aboot this but I just can't remember.

Proof Men Can Multitask – 4

I can play guitar and sing at the same time!!! That must be a winner.
I am working on playing bass and singing at the same time, it may take a while.

The World is Mine......I Won it in a Game of Cards

Right! As my team meeting has been cancelled I don’t have to prepare a presentation for tomorrow. HUZZA!

So on with the show:

Practioners of Ultimate Crime No 1 – Gordon Murray

Remember Trumpton? Camberwick Green? Chigley?

These gems of our innocent childhood have been despoiled! The creator and brains behind these works of televisual genius is responsible for puppeticide of the most macabre order. Not to mention the razing and destruction of vast tracts of the Trumptonshire countryside and urban grandeur.

Check this quote from the Trumptonshire Web:

What became of all those wonderful puppets and the models and everything ? What happened to them? I burnt them in a bonfire in my garden. I'd had them for some time after the transmissions had stopped. And various people had said "oh they're old fashioned", and they always were old fashioned actually. They were old fashioned from the word `go`. They had been used an awful lot you know so I burnt them, together with the scenery.

Quite frankly I’m too upset to say anymore!........ Oh go on then. This man should be hunted down and forced to rebuild everything so Brian Cant (legend) can revoice some new episodes. And then he should have his nipples removed and fed to him!!! (sorry maybe that’s a step too far and a light birching would suffice).

On a lighter note.

Proof Men Can Multitask – 2

As young Holly wisely pointed out I missed number 2. There was logic behind my madness though, I didn’t want two toilet related tasks in a row.

I can read and go for a poo at the same time! (This may be a bit near to the knuckle for our more sensitive viewers. If so I apologise most insincerely.)

Was Winnie the Pooh named after the act of defecation? Very Freudian I think.

A slate grey cloud...............Locusts!

My dream is this….

I had the idea for a book. A book that would make my name, fame and fortune. I was filled with elation that this was the key to me never having to work again.

I had the idea fully set out and began to write it out. The first paragraph was written all aboot the hero of the book walking down Vine Street…..

…….I then awoke and mulled over the dream, half in the hope that there was some potential for my first novel. Unfortunately in the cold dark of morning my plot being based around a hunchbacked ladybird seemed a bit weak.

Ack.

Ah well on with the day

Proof Men Can Multitask – 3

I once took off my jumper whilst driving at 80mph along the M6.

The fact that it got stuck and left me flailing and panicking for a few seconds does not demean this achievement. My pants remained unsoiled.

A Man Against the Tide

I was at the seaside this weekend.

How can anyone not love the seaside? It was cold but refreshing, the waves were crashing and seagulls built like tanks floated around like feathers.

I really must sort my life and do things like this more often.

Fish and chips were good too (though not so good as from Merseyside!)

OH also a new series:

Proof men can multitask - 1

I brushed my teeth and went for a wee at the same time this morning

I will be making further experiments which may lead to the odd accident.