You've been searching for that someone and it's me out on the prowl

Ah! Wednesday afternoon. Working from home and the weather is lovely. The Bear is fast asleep on the bed, sunlight is slanting in through the open windows and Baris Manco's dulcet tones are reverberating around the flat. Perfect.
Just had a huge fry up too. What more do I need?

I always like to bring you my most amusing E-mails and here is another from Babyface (alway a guarantee of bizarre humour:

So anyway: I had a dream last night where my girlfriend was flying a sort of jet fighter plane and I was straddling the nose, facing forward and we were both smiling and laughing and flying around a bit. Then it got a bit dangerous and I got frightened that I might fall off. When I woke up I did a sex wee. What on earth was all that about?

Being a tin pot psychoanalyst I had to reply:

Dude that dream is evidently a manifestation of repressed homosexuality. The big plane fuselage between your legs representing the phallus societal indoctrinations have made taboo.
In this modern age air transport is often associated with sexual dreaming and is at its most common in dreams involving unresolved internal conflict.
The fact that your 'girlfriend' was behind you reinforces this in conjuction with the fear before orgasm, a demonstration of your fear at stepping into the new, previously forbidden, world of same sex climax.

I have had no reply since....

Right! I need a shower.

Summer moved on, and the way it went you can't tag along

What a horrible grey day!!!

However Pants had an interesting dream aboot Shakira last night:

"She was teaching me arc-welding whilst a walrus with a trumpet was slowly crushed between two sheets of toughened glass.
Then she ran her hand up my thigh and whispered in my ear:
'hoots mon Ive a ken to see yon walrus freed'
then i had to try and save the walrus in order to get a shag"

I thought I'd leave you with a sunbset from Borneo. You know I'm bloody lucky to have been the places I've been.

It's amazing how sometimes you don't appreciate it. Borneo was incredible.

Without you skies are grey, time doesn't pass, there's nothing left but rain.

Well! Here I am. Still hanging around.

Working from home today so I have time to post you -

Another dream from the mind of Trunks:

I'm going back to university (who knows why??) and I'm going with Ian Marshall's Double, Divvy the Younger and his girlfriend (In reality she's his wife AND she had a different face)
[NB I rarely see IMD as he's up in Leeds and DtY I never see at all anymore, despite the fact his wife works behind me. Addiotionally to my knowledge none of them went to Warwick University - SO it's all a bit random really]

We arrive and go to the old science department (where I studied Chemistry for half my time there. OH the pain of Thursday and Friday labs 10-4. I used to have to leave when the bars opened and come back when they shut, 5 pints of Woodpecker (draught!) the merrier. That made it all bearable. Although once my whole experiment exploded in my absence). We then need to get back to our accomodation which is CH3 - 203.
[Cryfield Hall the third to the uninitiated, now I never lived in that hall, it was the quiet hall for God's sake and never had that room number despite living in CH1 and CH2 in my first and third years respectively. However my good friend Andy Chemist was hall tutor there after I left and he did kindly let me live on his floor for a while when I was homeless]

So, anyway, I set off and manage to lose IMD et al I'm wandering all over the shop (It appeared I'd walked through the doss house known as 'Social Sciences'), despite knowing the way like the back of my hand, and I'm forced to ask directions of a security guard.
[Warwick was in posession of a number of comedy security guards, the most amusing of which left a note on my windscreen once because I had parked on the one way street pointing in the wrong direction. The message read, simply enough, 'YOU ARE WRONG'. These are highly educated guys!]

I keep walking for ages and finally recognise where I am. I'm walking up roads thinking 'shit this has changed'. Where fields were there's a church (I thought religion was on the way out!) and even a tower block.
[It looked a bit like Canley, which is by the Westwood accommodation, actually so there's more mixed upness there]

Anyhoo, I walk through an estate. It's huge, there are hundreds and hundreds of identical houses. Looming over this is a huge crane, very daunting and looking like a space invader. It's all a bit apocalyptic to be honest. They clouds are dark grey and the atmosphere is heavy.

I walk across a little bridge across a wee river and DtY turns up on his bike (this oddly seems normal to me). He decides to take the longer route as he doesn't want to carry his bike over the stile on the bridge.
[Check that for unecessary detail in a dream! He was also wearing one of the silly outfits serious bike riders wear]

So....I call IMD on't moby (I have for some reason changed his name on my mobile to 'I want a kebab' - why the devil would I do that?) to give him directions.

I'm aboot there when I come across a mother with her very young child (no more than 2). The child has two sets of black tentacles attached at the abdomen. I'm discussing what we should do aboot it with her when I wake up.
[Do you think you wake up when you get to place in the dream when you can go no further or it becomes too weird?]

So! There you go. That was a dream I had a few weeks ago that I wrote down. I wanted to recycle the paper so I've typed it up to make you suffer it too!

Waves are crashing inside my head, I tuck her in, into your bed.

Great dream last night!

I was living with Ant and Dec (they shared a bed just like Morcambe and Wise!) and I needed a wee. I had no clothes on.........

shit! that reminds me of another story from wilder times. I was out after work and chatting to a young lady (who I will name 'Pasta'). We had a lot of beers and she says she's going to a party in Finchley (where by coincidence I live!) so I say I'll go back on the tube with her.
Being a feisty young man I snog her on the way back home so we decide to go to the party together. I mean it's not much of a party really, just a few of her friends, so we just get more drunk and me and Pasta end up on the sofa after everyone has gone to bed. We get a bit naughty and get into a bit of kid and play. Both fall asleep naked.
I wake up! Now, this is where the dream reminds me of the moment. I wake up and I'm in bed. Not on a sofa! I'm in bed. In fact I'm in bed with two other people. Making it even worse i'm in bed with two people I only met last night, a couple (male and female) and I'm between the two of them AND naked!!!!
So I slide out of bed and do a naked commando crawl out to the safety of the sofa. I have never to this day found out what happened but I'm sure it was innocent.

.....so I do a naked commando crawl (see the link?) to the bathroom. I crawl through the hallway (big double bed in here where Cat Deeley sleeps) and go in the wrong door (I always do this when drunk and in a strange house) there's another big bed full of people in here. I finally get to the right room and who should be there???...











BARRY SCOTT!!!!! He's there in the bathroom using his 'I can only shout' voice to give myself (and several others who are already resident in this capacious bathroom) a Cillit Bang demo. He does so on the horribly grimy and limescaled glass surround to the sink and I have to say I'm impressed (I always believed in him). Unfortunately he then ruins it all by making us write and sign official statements that Cillit Bang is the best cleaner. Barry man! Are you obsessed?

I woke up needing a wee.

Take the skinheads bowling.

Well, old Trunks is back after two days facilitating what I'll call a 'knowing your customer' propostion development workshop. Thrillsville 2006. It was actually ok, but you know even my best day at work I'd rather be at home.

Fortunately my very talented team member the Hamster ran most of it and did a sterling job. I just butted in occasionally and looked moderately attractive.

Lots of very senior meetings going on in big rooms with blinds drawn at the moment! Brrrrrr! Better start warming up my CV.

Another night another dream:

I turned round because I heard a plane flying really low, this passenger jet is just above ground and lands on the fields opposite me. It goes buzzing across and under a bridge (this was a BIG bridge so why it was in the middle of all these lovely green field I don't know). This obviously knocks the planes wings off and it comes to a halt.

Doors open and who should be out of the plane first? None other than Corporate High desperate career girl 'Miss Plums' (renowned for running aboot the office and being serious in an attempt to appear important).

Anyway, I go running in to help people off, aware that there is aviation fuel everywhere (to be fair - how real is this! - I pause and think 'shit I could be killed here' but still rush in (would I do this in real life? Who knows)). I'm telling people to hurry out cos of all the fuel and there's some dick trying to rescue his luggage.

So I'm inside and there's this old couple, I know I haven't got much time and they don't want to be saved. So I save this middle aged fella who's asleep and everyone has abandoned (he must be a deep sleeper).

I get him out and then out of nowhere my old pal Hethers (whom in reality here I have just come back from being in the pub with (curry club at wetherspoons, curry + pint only £5!)) , so we rush back and rescue the old fools just as we hear one of the engines aboot to blow up.

Believe me that dream is less exciting in the relating!

OH! We had an exercise in my workshop to break the ice where you had to draw what animal you were. I drew a grizzly bear (which looked like a Yeti, and would've been a praying mantis if I'd been able to draw one), most other people were cats, dogs or birds. No goats!!!! There was one pig but you'd expect some originality!

Who built the ark? No one, no one.

Another dream! Last night I dreamt that I got picked for the Slovenian national football squad!

Now, this is unlikely for two reasons:

1. Despite having travelled around Slovenia, I am not slovenian, nor do I have a maternal great grandfather or any other realtive from there
2. My standard of playing football (even if I played consistently for a couple of years and got fit) is pub standard at best

But when did reality ever stop me dreaming?

So! I turn out for Slovenia at an age where most players are thinking of retirement and this leads to me being spotted by a lesser premiership side. Which in turn leads to a salary of £15k a week. Well! How happy am I? I get a break from my real work and do this instead. In to the bargain the president (or whatever they have) of Slovenia sorts me out a top pad in central Ljubjana. It's all going very well till I wake up........

But with all this fame in mind I was at a ball on Friday in a very posh hotel. That dude from Bo Selecta was there. Why are all celebrities so small? Are television studios built for the smaller person? Or does it save money when filming to be able to get closer with the camera, I suppose it could be a hangover from when the microphone was on the camera.

Anyway, me and Angry got very drunk on free champagne and persuaded some bloke to steal the signed West Ham football that was meant to be a prize (no one had claimed it!) I also won a watch. Furla is the make, anyone heard of it?

Right! Wigan are playing Man Utd this afternoon and I used to follow them whilst I was at college there (at the time they had the worst ground I've ever seen). So it's only fair I don a scarf and wind up the Man U fans. London is full of them!

He has a bone in his throat.

I had a dream last night!

(I love telling people aboot my dreams, despite the fact they usually find them boring)

I was sharing a flat with some guy in a city (nothing was familiar to me)....anyway...this lass comes waltzing through my front door. She's tall, blonde, looks a lot like Michelle Pfeiffer but much more buxom (what is it with me and buxom?). She goes piling up the stairs as if she lives there. Anyway she realises her mistake [or maybe she didn't, I try and write down dreams just in case there is any potential song lyrics/ideas. Problem is they tend to be badly written as being hald asleep makes my handwriting even worse] and we get talking and then end up kissing and I'm madly in love immediately (not a normal occurrence for the Spunkmeister). [At this point I have written that my rent was £675 per month - expensive no?].

Where was I?...... Oh yeah well it turns out that we work in the same building, a building spookily huge like the corporate monolith I work in now. Except......I work in the burger bar downstairs! [I can't read the next bit well, looks like 'I Horis early chin tub' - quite what that could mean I'm not sure, perhaps it's a novel invention to supply Kirk Douglas-esque dimples to small children] ANYWAY! Turns out this chick is worth £16m. At which point I wake up.

If only dreams did come true. As it is I'm stuck with a new boss, whom I shall henceforth refer to as Joe 90.

A slate grey cloud...............Locusts!

My dream is this….

I had the idea for a book. A book that would make my name, fame and fortune. I was filled with elation that this was the key to me never having to work again.

I had the idea fully set out and began to write it out. The first paragraph was written all aboot the hero of the book walking down Vine Street…..

…….I then awoke and mulled over the dream, half in the hope that there was some potential for my first novel. Unfortunately in the cold dark of morning my plot being based around a hunchbacked ladybird seemed a bit weak.

Ack.

Ah well on with the day

Proof Men Can Multitask – 3

I once took off my jumper whilst driving at 80mph along the M6.

The fact that it got stuck and left me flailing and panicking for a few seconds does not demean this achievement. My pants remained unsoiled.