Monday, May 29, 2006

Lifetimes spent on the streets of a city, make us the people we are.

Sorry for not posting much at the moment. My mum is very ill and it's knocked me out of my stride a bit.

Monday, May 22, 2006

I don't know why, I had to try, living my life on the other side.....

Hmmmm, I think myself and Hethers may have caused some confuzion on Friday.

Picture the scene:
We're in the bar of the sports hall. Hethers is talking to a young lady. I wander over:
Hethers: ....I heard 'Blue II' had split up with her girlfriend
The Plastic Population: NO! Who told you that?
H: errrrrrrrrr (looks at me desperately)
TPP: Tell me!
H: errrrrrrrrrrrrr.................Lips! It was Lips!
Spunky Trunks (joining in the fun): Yeah Lips told me too!
TPP: Bastard! I'm gonna kill him
ST: Yeah! And he told us that he fed her pony last week!
TPP (outraged): WHAT!!!!
H: Yeah he's a real ladies man

etc

Actually it wasn't Lips who told us and he never said he had 'Fed her pony' either.

It was all a drunken lie! Oooops.

He hasn't been killed yet though.

I had my flat valued at the weekend. I could afford to sell up and buy a place in Romania with no mortgage. I'm sorely tempted.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Just you and me, let's make a promise......

Well it's Sunday and I am on day two of my hang over.

Why? Well.....it all started on Friday night.........

Hethers, ever the genius, organised a boys vs girls netball match. Now I've never played netball but, like all the other boys, thought it can't be too hard. So we turned up to the local sportatharium with our kits expecting to give them a good drubbing.

Ol' Trunks began the game as goal shooter (I was swapped from defence when we realised the Godfather of Soul couldn't shoot straight) and was scoring well along with Metkers in goal attack (who was a bit of a genius). I think we were doing a sterling job. There were two problems though:
1) We didn't know the rules very well and wee man and the midfield kept getting called for fouling and steps
2) they were actually very good and well drilled and were scoring faster than us.
End of first quarter we were losing. End of half we were still losing and worried.

Quarter three, I was subbed as everyone had to take a turn and popped for a quick beer. Despite the superb captaincy of Hethers, when it was time for me to come on we were still losing!!!

The problem was that despite his height the Godfather of Soul was bobbins in defence and couldn't mark a four year olds homework. This left The Bottom Expansion (TBE) a free reign to score at will and that girl can shoot!

So quick conference and I swapped for TGoS. TBE is gobby and kept trying to distract me by rubbing her boobs against me but I was having none of it. I stayed in her face and hassled her for the remaining quarter. The rest of the team upped their game too and the men came through victorious. Free drinks for the lads!!!

It all started quite well, and then we had a game of footie in oyr work clothes and then.....

Well the bar owner was a top man and we were having a good old chat so once it was down to four of us he decided we could have a lock in. Since i'd emptied all £100 from my wallet he started pouring us sambucas and then tequilas. Oddly by 4 am I am very very pissed despite the beef biltong.

I manage to catch a cab and then demonstrated a trick of the real experienced drunk. One of the earlier drinks I had must've been a bad pint (ahem) and I was feeling a bit bilious. The wave of nausea were too much so I pulled a masterstroke and pulled off a precision chunder out of the taxi window. No expensive cleaning charges and the rain cleaned off the outside of the car.

Next day I woke up, but only just and couldn't eat or think. ACK! I shall never drink again. I managed to watch Eurovision though, it was amazing! I saw the potentail early on in Finland and put money on them immediately. A win of £15! That'll finance a new kitchen!

They were top, looked like something from Lord of the Rings.











Very scary. And sounded bad too, but they won!

I have bet on Pete not winning BB7, i fear it may have been an oversight. I shall run down my opinions on the contestants as I make them.

Back to work tomorrow! GROAN!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Not enough, no not enough for me,

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Mmmmmm Nestle Double Cream Eggs. Smooth, Creamy, Tasty, a bit like me!

So! It's Thursday afternoon in the Trunkstowers, a bit chilly and very windy outside. Went to the physio this morning in an attempt to force a few more years of footie out of my aging body. I have some exercises to do every morning and evening to toughen up me leg. Don't let me forget!

Was football last night so drove across town in the Spunkymobile with Angry, Ladies man and the Dome. Ah the Spunkymobile! It's a dream car. I totally love it. It is, however, a touch past its prime. A bit like old spunky in fact. But more on that some other time. It got us to the match a bit too late so I had to volunteer myself and the Dome to play for the opposition. Not as much fun as we always win.

True to form it was quite a beating, despite the best efforts of Pie Boy squeaking in his whiney voice 'Come on lads 6.5 down one more to equalise' despite it actually being 8.5. Of course I couldn't help taking the piss and every goal our lot scored I piped up 'come on lads! one more to equalise'. This happened aboot 4 times. It's good to see what the difference is between the two sides and the main things is running off the ball. My lot despite being a man down always make space, there is always someone to pass to.

Ack enough of the football. Oh go on one more bit. One week mid winter we all piled out of the sports hall after a strenuous 5 a side and there were a few of the opposition stood outside with steam pouring off them. I had to say 'Look at the steam pouring off you lot' and the aforementioned Pie Boy with no hint of humour or irony on his face said "That's commitment" he's been even more of a laughing stock since as that has entered the popular phrasebook.

Sad moment of the week:
My mum and dad are getting on a bit and having to help my wretched sister bring up her 2 year old child. It's all too much for them, especially as mum has just had a operation for a hip replacement. Anyway they had to re-home their cats Cleo and Ming. It was just too much work for them and mum kept tripping on Cleo. All very sad as when I was very ill, wee Ming used to always come and see how I was with his big sad blue eyes.














He looks a bit like this except with sadder eyes.

On a lighter note (or is it) I finished reading all 60 pages!!!! (in big print) of Brokeback Mountain. Well........it's possibly not my subject matter of choice anyway, but I found it all a bit too melancholy. I don't think I'm liable to see the film. What to read next.......

ALSO Big Brother starts tonight. Can't wait!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I remember the days of '85, when I was young and so alive, but now I'm dead....

Morning all!

I have nearly finished ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’ and the long paragraphs have been very illuminating if somewhat morbid towards the end. There’s too much of preponderance for incest and prostitution in there too. Can’t say I’d recommend it without reservation.

Next I’m going to read Brokeback Mountain. A totally different proposition, as it’s only 60 pages and has very big writing. I’m still waiting for someone to tell me how they turned that into a long movie.

I’m also still waiting for a flood of cylindrical buildings of the world spottings. I’m only up to three and I want this to become an obsession!

It’s a beautiful morning outside Corporate Towers. Its days like these that I want to be deep in the countryside lying on the banks of a river with a beautiful lady. Alternatively I could be stuck up here pushing forward the evils of corporatism. Ah well I suppose I need the cash.

The window cleaners just went past again. Now that’s a job I couldn’t do. I feel bad enough sitting inside at this height. Mind you, no ones going to tell them they’ve missed a bit!

Low point of the week: It’s Eurovision on Saturday and like a fool I have visitors. Next year I am defo having a party and you’re all invited.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Your flushed young cheeks, your ample figure, fill my body with summer's vigour.

News from last week.

My good friend Mr Anecdote is getting married. Well, that wasn't actually the news, he told me that last year when I told him I was coming to visit him in China (he lives in China can you believe it?) which kind of scuppered my plans to visit China. Now I have to go to Las Vegas where he's getting married. So anyway, I agreed I would go to the wedding instead.

Several weeks later I get an E-mail from him aboot what he'll be upto whilst he's in the US and as a footnote 'will you be my best man?' I mean it's a bit rude suddenly dropping this on me AND have any of you ever been best man? It's a stressful thing.

I have been best man twice (always the best man, never the groom), shit! What am I talking aboot....I have been best man three times!

1. Budget Boy - This was my first gig for a good friend from university (who has since disappeared to Edinburgh - we used to sit in the airport lounge and rate girls on a -10 to 10 scale). It was an honour to be chosen but it's impossible to relax until you've done your speech. Flowers didn't turn up, I had to chase around sorting that out and I had to be the Master of Ceremonies too (Not like MC Hammer of course, no one can touch that). Anyway I prepared a speech in the middle of the night, got gently drunk in preparation, I put in some good ad libs and it was all over SUCCESS!
NB I had the lovely Nat (See Muddled Stars link - I should learn how to link here but I can't be bothered) being my personal nurse throughout the day, taking my pulse, telling me everything was ok etc and she saved my life. I can highly recommend having a Nat next to you if you do a best man stint.
I'd met Nat the week before at the wedding rehearsal. I was a bit of a scallywag at the time and had turned up with 'The Flame Haired Temptress' rather than my girlfriend. I saw Nat and thought 'Mmmmmmm look at that tall sexy, brown eyed vision wearing a trouser skirt thing' I had to chat to her and I was smitten. Anyway! I turn up for the wedding with my girlfriend 'The Pretty Ballerina' leading Budget Boys new nephew (who thought I looked like David Beckham!!!! If only! he was very young) to walk up and ask me 'Chris, do you have two girlfriends?'. Hmmmm I'm straying off the point again. Right, yes, Nat was sitting next to me on the top table and you know what? We've been in love ever since. We sneakily arranged to meet up and the rest is history......

2. Little P - My right hand man at univesity, a callipygean vision looking like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Penfold. P is a lovely man and this was even more of an honour (it was literally a few weeks after the last one). This wedding had a twist. It was near Paisley and we had to wear kilts. Now again this was a stressful occasion with lots of alcohol requires BUT wearing a kilt makes you irresistible to women! I was propositioned on the dance floor by a lovely young lady (who I'd seen with boyfriend earlier) I said "Where is your boyfriend" to which she replied "He's gone to bed". Anyway, I behaved, THEN P's sister (who looks like the gorgeous girl behind the counter in Alan Partridge, came up and asked for a snog:



















There she is, what a babe. Anyway, this was a P's little sister. It was his wedding and his parents were there. Now I have a code of honour and much as I would have liked to I felt it was unfair as it might affect his day. So I gave a gentlemanly "No" (with reasons of course).

So I ended up getting off with Sazza very nice but not really my type. But hell by then I could barely focus.

3. Cazzy G - This was only last year. Another University friend, except from my third year because I needed a new set of friends to atone for the fact that all my other mates were revising and working hard. This man is great mandibled handsome swine. I used to slap his face and say "you" "handsome" "bastard" after each slap. He looks a bit like Johnny Depp. Anyway, this gig was well deserved because I set him up with Posh Bex (wife to be). I lived with Cazzy for 4 years in Finchley and then a wee while in Greenwich before he bought a pad.

We were lazing around the flat as usual and I said right man, I'm taking you a party tonight. He was "no no I can't be arsed" but I forced him (and by fate Posh Bex's best friend was doing the same thing) and within minutes of getting to my good friend Sandrine's party in Swiss Cottage they were together. (I ended up snogging some danish bloke's danish girlfriend in the garage, but that's a different story).

This wedding was a beautiful affair in Sussex. Now there was a big hitch..... Posh Bex is and events manager. SO I got a huge list of what I had to do! It was frightening. (A point to make here is that every time I have done this the bride has been shitting herself I will do something bad (Where did I get this reputation???)) I was there early lighting candles, moving tables, checking place names... It was hell. And then it started raining, putting out the candles! (which ran all the way from car park to entrance and in the garden!)

Well, I get through all that and my ushers arrive. You never seen a more feckless bunch. They were led by chief usher BNCC (Big nosed cornish...), who is another excellent friend but despite having a 1st in Biochemistry comes across as a complete sooner. Getting them to do anything was a mare.

The speech was fun (BNCC also did a powerpoint show mid-way through my speech which was top) except following Bride's father and groom some idiot woman (why is there always some fool at weddings who also wants to do a specch just because they're used to public speaking?) who is TV presenter decided to get up and do a speech too. This left me standing there waiting for a long time watching her get Posh Bex's ex boyfriends name wrong and embarrass lots of people, but mostly herself.

ACK it was all good fun. my favourite line was aboot when Cazzy G was young. He was an excellent rugby union player, in fact he once captained the Welsh captain from aboot two years ago (I think it was Yighyan Evans (that's what it sounds like anyway)).....well.....he had built up loads of trophies but then he fell ill with ME and was in bed for a long time (it effectively killed his rugby career). Anyway his brother (a lovely man) walks into the room, looks around at the trophy and back to Caz and says "You had a future once".

As usual I've lost where I was going with this. But the moral is 'Being a best man is good for meeting ladies' so make sure you're single.

Sunday morning! Time for bacon, eggs and tomato!

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Am I holding on? Will this always be the way?

Look at this lovely wee fella:










I am very saddened! As if things can't get any worse!
Britains honey bees are in crisis. Hmmmm, I think the intro there was a bit flippant, but I'm being serious. There are no wild honey bees left in this country. All wiped out by this little shit:







The Varroa mite! Not satisfied with ruining a lovely harmless animal it alos looks grim.

This is what was reported in the Guardian:

Britain's apiary crisis can be traced back to the Nineties when hives were first struck by varroa destructor - a parasitic mite that feeds off the bodily fluids of bees. Populations plummeted, particularly among the nation's wild swarms which have virtually been eradicated. Only colonies tended by people survive in this country today. New feral colonies are sometimes established but without a keeper to help will only survive for a short time before succumbing to disease.

'The honey bees that buzz around your garden and which help to pollinate your plants now all come from colonies that are cared for by humans,' said Davis. 'Effectively, we have no wild bees left in Britain at all now, only ones that are tended for and protected by keepers.' That is bad enough. However, new strains of varroa, resistant to the chemicals that had been used to treat the condition, have started to infect hives in the past year. Their appearance has triggered renewed alarm, with beekeepers reporting major dips in honey production.

I think it's all very sad. It's little things like this that make me wonder.

They also affect this lovely fella:














Ooops, no that sexy little fella. I meant this:













This friend to everyone gets attacked too. In fact I fear more for the humble bumble bee (what a great sentence!) than the honey bee because they don't produce honey and therefore are not a commercial issue. The evils of this corporate world!

You know I was on a tour of the national gallery this week and the guide was going on aboot the value of the paintings. I think they should sell a load and solve some of the worlds ills. Replace them with good copies and no one will know. We could even pay for research into saving our bees!

Well! Have a lovely weekend everyone, and spare a thought for our buzzin' friends!

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

...will die before these eyes and he'll know, HE'LL KNOW! That it is I.......

Where has old Trunks been I hear you cry?

Well.......

Spunky Manor had visitors and hence I was pushed out the spare room and unable to use the PC. I bin pining!

So! What has happened? Well, the mighty blues came back from 2.0 down to draw 2.2. I went to Eltham Palace on Sunday (very nice, I can recommend it if a bit steep at £7.60). Tuesday I had an agency jolly which involved free food and unlimited booze at Kettners in Soho, which was alright but I missed Lost. Tonight played a full 11 a side and we won 3.0 despite letting them have 12 men. My knee is killing me though, I fear my football career is nearing its end.

Right! I got more exciting stuff to blog aboot but no time!

More to follow.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

I repeat myself when under stress, I repeat myself when under stress, I repeat.....

Ack! Just when I think a touch of sanity is returning to Corporate Towers it all evaporates in the blink of an eye.

It was appraisal time with the incredibly important Joe 90 on Thursday. Despite all the sterling work done by my team this year apparently they are not stressed enough. We have too much fun supposedly. Ah! So all the talk of 'work life balance' and 'fun in the office' was just corporate bullshit then? Well yes.

Fuck it. I'm not going to change in to an overly directive disciplinarian. I'd rather get the sack. Which may be an option!

Anyone got an idea of any alternative careers for old Spunky?

On another issue, somebody gave me a copy of Brokeback Mountain (the book) (( they obviously knew my taste in cowboys)), and it's only 58 pages long!!! AND had dead big writing. Now I haven't seen the film BUT there must be a lot of stuff going on with no talking to pad it out. Any ideas?

Last day of the football season tomorrow. I hate a summer without football (despite the fact that I love cricket too) BUT WAIT! What's that hoving into view? It's the WORLD CUP! HUZZA! We're saved!

AMAZING FACT:
Aliens are part human!

Now I'm not good on this kind of stuff, but last night I had Angry round for tea (quick trip in the old motor to Mr Fast Fry for battered sausage and chips) and we're watching telly. It was Alien vs Predator (there's a plot written by a genius). Anyway I watching this aubergine headed alien and thinking 'don't they have very human looking teeth, surely that's not ideal for what is evidently a full blown carnivore (or alien eqivalent)' I mention this to Angry and he's all 'Nah! the reason they're like that is cos they're a hybrid of the host birther' (or words to that effect). Apparently in an earlier Alien (Alein cubed I think) a dog has one and it run around on all fours etc. Well anyway I don't believe this being a man of science and seeing as the alien uses the host parasitically it makes no sense (I mean do wasp eggs put into apples come out partially apple? I think not). BUT sure enough right at the end an alien comes out of a predator with one of them scary mouths! Never argue with Angry on Science Fiction films is the moral.

Right! Have a lovely weekend everyone. I'm off to watch the play-offs!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out....

Cylindrical Buildings of the World - Part III












Check this baby out! What a beaut, not only cylindrical but shiny too!

Now, guess where I spotted this one?..... You never will...... oh go on I'll tell you: Borneo!
Yep this one is some kind of regional headquarters for Sabah, near Kota Kinabalu. AND you thought it was all rainforest, huts on sticks and orangutans! Well me too to be honest but nope they're ruining the place with diggers, skyscrapers and landscaped gardens.

But then, who are we to criticise? We ruined out lovely isle years ago, so it's their turn.

Anyway! Look outside. It's beautiful today, sunny and warm. Old Trunks is sitting in his pants with the windows open. Scary thought eh?

Right. I better go cook a chilli.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Misguided values, nothing you possess.

More comedy from my mate Ads following our usual Monday morning 'let's whinge aboot Everton' sesh.

All this Everton stuff is getting me down so I'll share a moral question with you, or rather a questionably moral tale:

Over Easter I was playing scrabble with T's 9 year old brother I and her 11 year old sister M. It was of course a tame affair of 3 and 4 letter words making for a difficult board (there are only so many 'S' tabs to put on the end of 'car', 'dog', 'mop' etc). Naturally I was playing the role of educational benefactor and helping the little dudes whenever they got stuck, whilst making sure that I scooped the triple letter and double word scores for myself to re-enforce the natural order of age and superiority.

Anyway, M really is a clever little thing and towards the end she managed, being an animal lover, to offload a 'Z' to make 'Zoos' onto an unguarded triple-word score to take her to within 9 of my score. Now, this put me in a difficult position; as you know the value of any letters that you are left with at the end of the game is deducted from your score and I was left with a 'u' (1), an 'i' (1) and a 'q' (10), meaning that I was about to lose. I then noticed that the 'm' of 'mops' was open and had 3 spaces above it. Well, I ask you, what would you have done? As far as I could see it I had no choice.....

Monday, May 01, 2006

I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost.....

Ack! His Trunks is in bad shape today. Must've picked up some stomach bug or summat.
It's so bad I've had to watch snooker! Blooargh.

Love you all anyway.

Either way I feel like shit and have barely left my pit!

NURSE!