I Know the Pain Before the Wound

Ack! Sorry all (all two of you).

Been a busy christmas, had the parents over (I made the cranberry sauce!)((and turkey soup!)).

Normal service will be resumed shortly.

x

Your Bright Blue Eyes, Your Lovely Silver Skin

FLIP FLIP HOORAY!

ACK! What a weekend. Last week Thursday was my work christmas party. As is expected from a senior drinking partner of my esteemed corporation I was required to drink from 5.30 till 3.30 in the morning. I accomplished this with ease, however, my return home has only just come back to me and involved me singing along to a number of traditional turkish songs in the cab on the way home. Fortunately no karaoke was available during the night.

Also, fortunately they didn't play Whigfield.

Being a seasoned campaigner I knew to take the following day as holiday (booked a good few months ahead). Hence I had a whole Friday of doing nowt! Bliss. Except my head felt very strange....

Saturday got off to a bad start with the mighty blues getting a battering from the not so mighty Wanderers. A morale builder. Then I had the joy of a cocktail party at my house (not my idea) but left me in the kitchen from 7.30 til 4 making cocktails. I must admit the concoctions were becoming more radical the more I sampled. I did attempt one non-alcoholic cocktail only to be told said person didn't like coconut as well as pineapple. Answer was simple, add bacardi and pass on to someone else.

I only realised the next morning I'd been using Drambuie instead of Grand Marnier in my B52s. The bottles looked too similar in my addled state!

Me and my good friend Stevo aka Angry Drunk managed to keep everyone in cocktails all night AND break two blenders. I had a very sticky Mojito flavoured floor the next day. But no complaints from the neighbours (mind you i did invite most of them).

I'm sure I should have more entertaining stories to tell aboot this but I just can't remember.

Proof Men Can Multitask – 4

I can play guitar and sing at the same time!!! That must be a winner.
I am working on playing bass and singing at the same time, it may take a while.

The World is Mine......I Won it in a Game of Cards

Right! As my team meeting has been cancelled I don’t have to prepare a presentation for tomorrow. HUZZA!

So on with the show:

Practioners of Ultimate Crime No 1 – Gordon Murray

Remember Trumpton? Camberwick Green? Chigley?

These gems of our innocent childhood have been despoiled! The creator and brains behind these works of televisual genius is responsible for puppeticide of the most macabre order. Not to mention the razing and destruction of vast tracts of the Trumptonshire countryside and urban grandeur.

Check this quote from the Trumptonshire Web:

What became of all those wonderful puppets and the models and everything ? What happened to them? I burnt them in a bonfire in my garden. I'd had them for some time after the transmissions had stopped. And various people had said "oh they're old fashioned", and they always were old fashioned actually. They were old fashioned from the word `go`. They had been used an awful lot you know so I burnt them, together with the scenery.

Quite frankly I’m too upset to say anymore!........ Oh go on then. This man should be hunted down and forced to rebuild everything so Brian Cant (legend) can revoice some new episodes. And then he should have his nipples removed and fed to him!!! (sorry maybe that’s a step too far and a light birching would suffice).

On a lighter note.

Proof Men Can Multitask – 2

As young Holly wisely pointed out I missed number 2. There was logic behind my madness though, I didn’t want two toilet related tasks in a row.

I can read and go for a poo at the same time! (This may be a bit near to the knuckle for our more sensitive viewers. If so I apologise most insincerely.)

Was Winnie the Pooh named after the act of defecation? Very Freudian I think.

A slate grey cloud...............Locusts!

My dream is this….

I had the idea for a book. A book that would make my name, fame and fortune. I was filled with elation that this was the key to me never having to work again.

I had the idea fully set out and began to write it out. The first paragraph was written all aboot the hero of the book walking down Vine Street…..

…….I then awoke and mulled over the dream, half in the hope that there was some potential for my first novel. Unfortunately in the cold dark of morning my plot being based around a hunchbacked ladybird seemed a bit weak.

Ack.

Ah well on with the day

Proof Men Can Multitask – 3

I once took off my jumper whilst driving at 80mph along the M6.

The fact that it got stuck and left me flailing and panicking for a few seconds does not demean this achievement. My pants remained unsoiled.

Rebellion in Fez!

My inspirational friend Nat (see link that may appear when I work out how to do it) has asked that everyone google their name followed by ‘needs’ to find out what they really need. In an act of unashamed plagiarisms I am going to copy her format too.

[IMPORTANT ASIDE: I have discovered what Noel Edmonds is doing now. (I was concerned he’d disappeared from the televisual arena) He is presenting some bobbins gameshow involving boxes every weekday afternoon. There! We can all rest easy. I fear his halcyon days are done though as he’s more trousers than jumper these days.+]

Right! Back to plan:

Chris Needs:

1) A Garden

(Fair comment, we all need somewhere to kick a ball around and have barbecues. AND at present I do live on the second floor with no window boxes)

2) Late night listening on BBC Radio Wales

(Not as convinced of this, although I’m sure they have very relevant and entertaining programming ideally suited to my needs at this hour)

3) Radio Presenter and TV actor, Caberet Singer and piano teacher

(Well, I do need a change in my life but I fear that finding a partner with this CV is perhaps casting the net a tad shallow. I also fear a caberet singer might bug the t*ts off me)

4) Your sex talk

(This is more like it! Indeed I do, bring it on!)

5) A life

(Harsh but fair, I need to look deeply and re-order my situation)

6) No mic stand; once a year

(This is all starting to feel to spookily accurate, I do tend to hold the mic in my hand in the sporadic recording sessions myself and Andy undertake on the 4 track)

7) To check that everything is going well

(Well I’d hope I’d know………oh wait! Let me just call my mum……….right got her on the phone now and all is ok back home. Phew. Well that’s one done anyway although I suppose it means I need to do it all the time).

8) fel mynd… Wrth gwrs wedes ia nid enw plaen fel

(No idea what that means! Anyone speak welsh?)

9) Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

(I think I’d rather have a big old fashioned paper based one thanks)

10) Friendly Garden

(Ending as we began, except with a twist, it’s friendly! Hmmmm, must admit hadn’t considered that it needs to be friendly. Accordingly when this concept is developed I will ensure my garden is without unfriendly influences such as mantraps, nettles and those plastic gnome things (conversely a gnome powered windmill on a stick is always friendly)).

Right! There we go. Thank Nat for that.

A Man Against the Tide

I was at the seaside this weekend.

How can anyone not love the seaside? It was cold but refreshing, the waves were crashing and seagulls built like tanks floated around like feathers.

I really must sort my life and do things like this more often.

Fish and chips were good too (though not so good as from Merseyside!)

OH also a new series:

Proof men can multitask - 1

I brushed my teeth and went for a wee at the same time this morning

I will be making further experiments which may lead to the odd accident.