Living legend, born to run, smartest c*** under the sun.

People Wot Look Like Me - II


5) Riley off Biffy The Vampire Slayer - never watched the show myself. Maybe it was his mannerisms. A girlfriend, whom I shall call 'Long Distance Lil', said I looked like him. Methinks a touch of rose tinted specs. Nice hair though.


6) Angel - Not sure why he's an angel, but he sure doesn't look like me. Too rugged, he has decent hair and can do one of them broody looks. Blame Long Distance Lil again for this one.

Speaking of which that takes me back.....one christmas I was going home to Carrot Roads County for christmas and she was staying there with relatives. It was christmas eve and I lay in bed in Cavendish Mansions Finchley wondering how I could make up for the fact that I had purchased no pressies. I lost a bit of sleep on this!

Anyway....next morning, me and my good mate Pantsfellah (I was going to call him Duracell but he's my oldest mate, I love him and childhood cruelty never stops hurting) set off for home up M't'6.

I pulled into a service station on the offchance and purchased:
1) A Eddie Izzard comedy tape
2) A squeezy child's train book
3) Some chocolate
4) Cuddly toy

We motor on and that night I meet up with her in the Derby Arms (avec my main man Pants). She brings out a great big box, it's a lava lamp! Thoughtful and useful, i'm in for it! But no! It's 'the most thoughtful presents I've ever had'. I reckon I was born lucky!

I dumped her next weekend......

7) Paul Merson - Not flattering. But I can see a grain of truth. I got this from some bloke on the tube. A complete random. So I guess it must be true.





8) Kurt Cobain - 1967 - 1994, famous dead dude and grunge hero. I would never complain aboot this, the man was a genuine legend and I only wish I had his voice. At the time I was dating 'Ginger Jo' (A wee craftslady more of well under 5' - shortest girlfriend I've ever had, but that's a different thread) and I was in grunge phase with long hair and goatee. She stuck some eyeliner on me and took some photos and I have to say it was closer than bloody Merson.



9) Stuart from Big Brother - Looks nowt like me, BUT he is my voice and mannerisms twin. When he was on Big Bro I had numerous people coming up to me and saying 'You sound just like that Stuart from Big Bro'. A morale builder.

10) Some Bloke Who Played for Barnet FC in the 90's - don't have a photo for this one, it's a net challenge though!.......Anyway, I'm walking through Kings X and some burly shaven headed dude comes up to me, shakes my hand and says 'How's it going?'. Happy to see an old friend, despite the fact I've never before seen him in my life I respond 'Not bad, how are you?'. 'Great' he says 'Are you still playing for Barnet?'. 'No' I say honestly 'I've never played for them'. 'Oh' says he crestfallen and disappears quickly into the crowd looking foolish.

If...they...hurt...you...they...hurt...me...too.

People Wot Look Like Me - I

1) Ian Botham, cricket legend and champion of eating for a healthy heart. (thanks to the Frontier Accountant for this, not sure I agree).

2) Val Kilmer, temperamental not quite mega star. I'm happier with this one (it's also the most common one I get) although I can't really see this one either, a bit too handsome........unless........

3. Val Kilmer as Batman. Ah! Now I see it! It's the fullsome lips! I have to say that below the nose I am his twin!!!

4. Nicolas Lynhurst - Only had this once and I can't say I enjoyed the experience. Well.......I suppose he physique is close.

I don't want to wake up, let the dream slip away.....

Ah Mondays. I love em, don't know what self promoting cuckold Bob Geldof was on aboot. Had an excellent day of rhetoric digestion today. The longer I exist in corporate hell the more becoming bar man seems attractive. I even worked out how much I could survive on today. Fortunately Joe 90 is off on business. Business my ass. He's sitting in the sun tugging off his own ego. I'd almost be envious if he wasn't universally despised.

Lips has requested I give a fooz tournament update.

Well! The competition has hotted up and the Sun Lik is now in the balance. Following Lips' sudden realisation of how to play, team Dome/Lips have had a great resurgence, the like of which unseen since the Kraken saw Poseidon bent over picking up clams. The score now stands at 23v22 with Hethers/Shield one up in the 46th set. The tension is palpable.

Who built the ark? No one, no one.

Another dream! Last night I dreamt that I got picked for the Slovenian national football squad!

Now, this is unlikely for two reasons:

1. Despite having travelled around Slovenia, I am not slovenian, nor do I have a maternal great grandfather or any other realtive from there
2. My standard of playing football (even if I played consistently for a couple of years and got fit) is pub standard at best

But when did reality ever stop me dreaming?

So! I turn out for Slovenia at an age where most players are thinking of retirement and this leads to me being spotted by a lesser premiership side. Which in turn leads to a salary of £15k a week. Well! How happy am I? I get a break from my real work and do this instead. In to the bargain the president (or whatever they have) of Slovenia sorts me out a top pad in central Ljubjana. It's all going very well till I wake up........

But with all this fame in mind I was at a ball on Friday in a very posh hotel. That dude from Bo Selecta was there. Why are all celebrities so small? Are television studios built for the smaller person? Or does it save money when filming to be able to get closer with the camera, I suppose it could be a hangover from when the microphone was on the camera.

Anyway, me and Angry got very drunk on free champagne and persuaded some bloke to steal the signed West Ham football that was meant to be a prize (no one had claimed it!) I also won a watch. Furla is the make, anyone heard of it?

Right! Wigan are playing Man Utd this afternoon and I used to follow them whilst I was at college there (at the time they had the worst ground I've ever seen). So it's only fair I don a scarf and wind up the Man U fans. London is full of them!

Those pronouncements had such weight, I guess they made us hesitate.............hesitate

Speaking of Mummy Trunks. My earliest memory in life (feel free to tell me yours).

I'm at home in the hall way. Mum shouts down 'Mrrfffle, mmmffl mrpah mummph?'. Being a young Trunkster translation of this is beyond me. Thinking fast I go thorough my limited vocabularly searching for a possible answer and come up with 'yes'.

Mummy Trunks comes stomping down the stairs and give me a good slapping.

To this day I am unaware of my crime. Or even if it was me.
BUT' spare the lash spoil the child'

No sleep, no sleep, no sleep and no mad video machine (three times)

Well! Good morning all (well ok it's afternoon, but near enough and the old Spunkmeister over indulged two nights running, so the fact I'm here at all is a miracle).

First the good news!

My car is back on the road and retaxed. Freedom is mine again.

Of course every bit of good news has a dark side, and in this case it was the fact that it cost me £600. I really should've scrapped it. I can't though, loyalty is my greatest weakness and my old Toyota Carina has served me well for 9 years (NINE YEARS!).

That got me thinking aboot whether you could gauge a person by their car, so:

Old, good bodywork, loose suspension, been round the block a lot of times, comfortable and reliable. Bloody hell! That's me to a tee!

Right case study two (forgive me I'm freeforming here so it may all grind to a halt):

Astra sport, tinted windows (you struggle to see what's inside!), sharp body kit but flaking a bit, sport seats, fast but obvious. My word! It's one of my greatest mates Angry Drunk!

Ford Fiesta, quite old and a touch worn looking, shiny bonnet, full of shit and popular with oriental ladies - It's another spot on description, the Scourge!

Polo, yellow, very old, mould/moss in the cracks, scruffy - go no further! It's old university friend and phone line sex pest Mank!

I could go on (I'm lying, I couldn't as I can't think of anyone else with a car). I think I've stumbled upon a universal truth here though. Girls beware men driving TVRs, MX5s or Audi TTs.

I said it was good news day didn't I? Well additionally my Mum is out of hospital. Mummy Trunks artificial hip popped out whilst putting on her socks and she's been in for three weeks. There can be few sadder sights than your old mum propped up in a hospital bed. (Even sadder than seeing the mighty blues lose to toon yesterday). Anyway! She's back home, cue happier Daddy Trunk and 'little ginger peril' my lovely wee neice.

Good will to all.

xx

You can't wear shorts!

Kyoto plains,
Springs green gown,
Layered in cherry blossom.

From Constantinople to communism

Ah! Weekend over. I was so dying to get to work I thought it would never end.

Weekend achievements?
Hmmmm, drinking 4 bottles of wine with Angry Drunk on Friday night.....well that's it to be honest.

So, it's back to work and the joys of suit-dom.

By the way does anyone watch 'Invasion'? It's like a watching an scottish scientist's bowel motions. I have to watch something to replace Lost though.

Right where was I? Oh yes work..... well today I sorted out my in tray and the waste paper receptacle I call my desk. I ended up recycling aboot a foot of paper. That's aboot four christmas trees in Norwegian.

Well that was a success so I potter over to Joe 90 to get him to re-sign my report without his half arsed commentary. He scowls and calls me 'spineless'. I bit my tongue and wandered off (In a non-urgent kind of fashion). Oh it's a going to be a giggle to see if I can out last this weak chinned scud muncher. I tried to re-join the union in preparation, sadly AMICUS don't have an online application that works. No wonder the union movement is dying! Thatcher needn't of bothered, the ineptitude of the bearded working classes were already on the case.

So, on to the sports report! Another two fine wins, anchored I might add by a wealth of goals from defence by the Shield, with a noteworthy competitive second match going well beyond the wire, leaves said goalminder and forward maestro Hethers ever nearer the booze soaked finishing line. 22-17

Right bedtime for the Spunkmeister [fuck my neighbour must have two clubbed feet, he walks up the stairs like a lead shod hippo].

Note to Natterjack: As I rate you very highly I have purchased and begun reading 'Are you Dave Gorman'. I tell you what Nat, it better improve!

Day by day, the monkey's mask, reveals the monkey

As I said Joe Bastad 90.

As some of you may be aware I work for a huge multi-national corporate. In a moderately senior post which considering my flippant attitude to work, lack of work ethic and love of table football is amazing.

So anyhoo, I've been working forn this fairly ineffectual posh bird (we'll call her 'Freckles') brought in by the top man (henceforth 'The Piano man').

So, me an Freckles (who allegedly is having intimate relations with the Piano man) are working on a big project. I keep hassling her for my (and my teams ('Hamster', 'Hammertime' and 'Lozenge')) objectives for 2006. This is going nowhere (despite might I add her supposed genius and huge pay packet) and considering how she can't write a yearly appraisal I feared the worst.

Next thing I get Joe 90 (who reports into 'Mr Muscle' who reports into the Piano Man) [A tortuous reporting line - NB I used to report directly into 'Mumbling Uncle' who was Mr Muscle's predecessor.] saying I am 'Causing a big fuss aboot objectives'. Well I must say I fear I was unfair as it's already mid February. Maybe I should've waited till June when I was doing my teams appraisals. Mind you the Hamster would have ragged my ass off to see hers every week.

Also, Joe 90 has asked me to sign my appraisal following his comments. The comments (one usually expects vaguely encouraging stuff) all relate to the fact that I appear laid back and need to do this that and the other. Turning what reads as a good review into one with a footnote saying 'Don't employ this feckless c***'.

Me and 90 go into a room and I criticise his management style, stating that he had never given me any feedback and that I refuse to sign it. To which he tells me that he is one of the best managers on the floor (not hard, but not true) and that he has two managers working for him that are disgruntled to be junior to me. To which I state 'Wookie' and 'Ramrod Spine' (the gentlemen in question) are incapable of leading lives never mind people.

Woo, don't I rant on!

Anyway this culminates in our arrogant bespectacled self proclaimed genius telling me that he is now taken over my leadership. (Just after I have told him I will never arse lick (unlike Wookie and Ramrod Spine - interestingly two of the most lowly regarded goons in the office)).

Well the moral of the story is that I'm fooked.

On a lighter note 'The Shield' and 'Rigsby' finally ended the 5 set winning run of 'The Dome' and 'Lips'. With a score of 21-17 the subsidised Sun Lik sesh is slightly nearer.

Speaking of which was out briefly in the Sun Lik den last night with Dome and Rigsby. Rigsby was very excited to find some left loggage teetering (did I say teetering? It was more like piled high!) in the gents trap. Dome took great pleasure in photographing said fecal work and now has it as his telephone screensaver! GROO.

He has a bone in his throat.

I had a dream last night!

(I love telling people aboot my dreams, despite the fact they usually find them boring)

I was sharing a flat with some guy in a city (nothing was familiar to me)....anyway...this lass comes waltzing through my front door. She's tall, blonde, looks a lot like Michelle Pfeiffer but much more buxom (what is it with me and buxom?). She goes piling up the stairs as if she lives there. Anyway she realises her mistake [or maybe she didn't, I try and write down dreams just in case there is any potential song lyrics/ideas. Problem is they tend to be badly written as being hald asleep makes my handwriting even worse] and we get talking and then end up kissing and I'm madly in love immediately (not a normal occurrence for the Spunkmeister). [At this point I have written that my rent was £675 per month - expensive no?].

Where was I?...... Oh yeah well it turns out that we work in the same building, a building spookily huge like the corporate monolith I work in now. Except......I work in the burger bar downstairs! [I can't read the next bit well, looks like 'I Horis early chin tub' - quite what that could mean I'm not sure, perhaps it's a novel invention to supply Kirk Douglas-esque dimples to small children] ANYWAY! Turns out this chick is worth £16m. At which point I wake up.

If only dreams did come true. As it is I'm stuck with a new boss, whom I shall henceforth refer to as Joe 90.

I walk through walls, I am the gun.

I was going to relate a tale aboot work today......

But who wants to hear a tale of marketing in the financial services?

So a new series on my troubled youth.

Facts of my youth: part 1

When I was at junior school there was a lot of jokes aboot homosexuals (we called them 'gaylords' in those days). Anyway, I was told that gaylords practiced the art of bumming (the language may have differed a touch from that). This was discussed with a close friend and we came to the conclusion that this involved two men rubbing their bums together. This didn't seem too bad really and we couldn't see what all the fuss was aboot.

Just like my good friend Ad who said in relation to recent allegations of premiership footballers homosexuality:
"Don't know what all the fuss is about. It's a bit like that Brokeback
Mountain film - just a couple of chums engaging in a bit of horse-play
and rough-housing. We've all done it."

Facts of my youth: Part 2

One of my first experiences of infant school was playing war. (which mainly consisted of two teams running around making bad machine gun noises). I'm not sure how we won or who ajudicated, but we all joined arms after and sang "We won the war, in 1974". Spookily we didn't know what to sing the following year. The same occurrence was mirrored16 years later with the university ten pin bowling team when we actually won a game. Our trademark chant of "We came, we lost, we couldn't give a toss" was meaningless.

This section has been sponsored by the "Scourge of the East", who has the utmost respect for my aged ramblings.

Where you going now!

Well, the next day I woke up and my back is knacked!

I didn't even jump around much making the sign of the devil. Being my typical self I think, 'Ah it'll be alright tomorrow' three days later I still can't sleep cos of the pain. Maybe it's age. Anyway I go the doctor and I've got an inflamed back muscle (she did give me the name but it sounded like a fat bloke going for a poo in latin). And the cure? Three extra strength ibuprofren a day for 2 weeks. I could've made that up myself. If it wasn't for the fact you have to kill old people I could be tempted into doctoring myself.

My blood's sweet for pain.....

Not to be outdone by the Natterjack, his Spunky Trunks was at a concert too last week.

A much more prestigious one too!

Me and my main amigo P rocked up to see A-ha at the Shepherds Bush Empire (currently riding high at number ten in the hit parade!).

We've been to many an A-ha gig (I think this was the 5 th) but this was the best. I know you all think 'A-ha! They're bobbins purveyors of electropop who did that 'touchy' load of nonsense song and only had one good song with a clever video'. NO! You bunch of ingrates! They rock the most and have released 7 excellent albums perfect for in-car-warbling.
I must admit that one or twice they have gone astray 'Touchy' and 'Maybe Maybe' (famous for the line 'Maybe it was over when you pushed me out the Rover at full speed') cases in point BUT they have done some top stuff.

Ahem, rant over. Anyway they were excellent and I had a nice pint after to boot.